One year anniversary

Yay! It’s been one year since I started blogging. I have blogged before but did not have a steady set of audience as of now. One year back, I was pretty clueless as to what next, fast forward to today, I am on my way out of the rut, I despaired then, I hope now, I had no faith then, I believe now.

Was I a good person then? I don’t know . Am I better now? In some ways, yes.

I know my faults, the hard thing is to weed out the things that do not make me Me.

I thought I was lost, spiritually and .. But you know what, God heeds a broken heart.  I wondered if after the hundred and one times I strayed, forgot to pray, if I was worthy for his love, if he would love me and I asked him for a sign. I shouldn’t have but I believed I was truly lost.  I have a basil plant here, a small one and it was not doing good this winter. It was decaying from root up. I lost a few saplings and the others were decaying. I asked God to heal them and keep them well alive to show me that I could also live again. One month later, the leaves still bloom in the saplings that started decaying. They are alive and I am happy.

God spoke to me through different people, through the parable of the lost sheep.

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.”

I was the lost sheep and he came after me. I am no longer lost because he loves me. While I despaired before, I hope and I believe now.

Breaking the outer man and letting the inner man grow is one of the hardest things out there. It’s a battle. It’s a spiritual war. One thing that you need to know is that He will never give up on you. If you are the lost sheep, he will come after you, he will pick you up and put you over his shoulders, love you unconditionally and give you joy and happiness in leaps and bounds.

Am I a better person? In some ways, yes.

It’s been one year blogging and this is my heart on paper.  I wrote to my heart’s will, met some amazing people out here, and I think I grew out my social anxiety disorder( a little credit to blogging) . This year’s been insightful, I looked into my soul and I cannot tell you if I liked what I saw but I’ll weed out the bad and plant good in my heart. This is a promise that I’ll be a better person, I’ll be who I want to be, fearless and brave, spiritual and kind. I’ll look into myself one day and be proud of who I am.

Ciao,

Jovi!

On getting out of the rut #1

I used to think that the Israelites were ungrateful brats. And that if the Lord, did the same things for me , if he brought me out of my chains, if he parted the seas for me, if he made the Sun stand still for me, if he took down the wall of Jericho for me, if he parted heavens and showered down heavenly food when I was hungry, I would be eternally grateful. But you know what? He did those for me. He moved my mountains and brought forth new springs for me, and yet  I wasn’t grateful, not in the least.

A few weeks back, I was despairing over what next. I am stuck, and it’s been a year. I kept thinking that I made the wrong choice choosing physics and suffering through Masters. I felt like I can’t go ahead and that I won’t get into a PhD program,  I was worrying my head off and then it struck me, what a hypocrite I was being,  God moved mountains for me and there I was whining. My final semester, I had a paper called spectroscopy, still don’t understand a word of it or even quantum mechanics for that matter. Anyway, I slept through the final exam, I mugged up the whole thing over so much coffee the night before and didn’t sleep a wink. There was literally nothing on my answer sheet, the ones I knew the answers to I messed up the question numbers and I forgot half way through the answers. I knew I would fail. The month that I was waiting for my results, I would just stare at my convocation tickets and feel guilty that my parents wouldn’t be able to go. But my mom, she prayed, she had faith and you know what, even when I had no faith, He was faithful, the results came and I passed, a miracle no short. There were people who failed but I didn’t. He did the impossible for me and there I was whining, worrying, and being ungrateful. If it’s his will, it will fall right into your hands, if it’s not it will fall through and be gracious and know that He has the best in store for you. No man has seen, no man has dreamt what the Almighty has kept for you. Be gracious and hold on to hope, look back and be grateful for his love.

I stopped worrying over what next and there is a calm now. He says he cares for you, He understands you and he wants you to place your burdens at his feet so he can be there for you. Trust him with all of you and  have faith,even when you feel like there is no other  way. Remember his miracles. So when life gives you a mean kick, and if you are in a rut like I am, know that things will change for you and hold on, because all will be well.

On love and life

The dreary hollow that is inevitable with change creeps upon me every time that I arrive at the airport. Suddenly a longing fills me, and that’s what most of us call missing home.

The first time I felt it I was eight, riding towards the airport I felt that void and an inner dread seized me and I knew life would be different. Life’s good but you always wonder what would have happened if you did not take the road you took.

Going off to college was the hardest time I have ever had. I was lonely and the void inside me could not be filled. I missed home, I missed my mom and I was immediately regretful of all the times I was mean to my siblings. Sure, they annoyed me but torturing me was their way of saying  “I love you”.  Late at nights, and I mean 10’o clock when I say ‘late’, the longing for home would take over and my pillows would silently soak in the tears. The one thing that kept me rooted and did not let me quit was God’s word. I read on Christ’s ‘unfailing love’ and how he cares for us. His love is unmatched. His love is incomparable. His love kept me going. I started a journal the first year of college and still continue writing. Whenever the void takes me by surprise, I look into it , I read God’s word and  all the things I have told him, I look into it and see all the awesome ways he has answered my prayers, I look into it and see how he has comforted me over the years, I look into it and I see His mighty love.

He told me he cares for me. He took my burden and spoof, I was free. When I sinned, and believed I was not worthy to talk to Him, he told me he understood my nature and that he still cares, he still loves. When I said, “My foot is slipping,” his unfailing love supported me. When I fell into the pit, he raised me up. When fear overtook me, he told me to trust him. What I thought was impossible, he made possible.

I know for a fact that when He said ,”Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”, he did not mean it just figuratively, he meant it literally!  He made the red seas part, he took down the wall of Jericho, he made the sun stand still, he changed water to wine and fed five loaves of bread and two fish to five thousand people. He made the heavens and the earth. He made the sea and gave rhythm to the waves, and hung the stars ,each of them, and all the science that people crack their heads over, quantum electrodynamics, the really weird formulas,the math and all that stuff that is greek to us, he designed and I am amazed. When I see the snow white clouds hung perfectly over the brick red mountains, I am not just taken by the vision or the science of it, I am amazed by how God so made it. I want to know what, why and how he made it, what he thought when he put together each cell,each atom and breathed life and love into us.

When I sit down to pray, He sits beside me, he holds my hand and he talks to me. When I am tensed, he gives me a comforting hug . He holds my hand and walks with me the way he has paved for me. Though I miss my family, I will never miss Him because he will always be my side. Lord, I love you.

Missing