Bent not broken#2 (On a break)

Heya!

Three more days to the surgery. Hold me in your prayers. I don’t know when I’ll be able to post next. I’ll be in the ICU for a few days and then under bed rest. 

Perfect love casts out fear. The God of everything, the lily of the valley, my rose, my Lord is with me. He said, “Cast your anxiety on me for I care for you”. So, I gave him my burden and he is amazing enough to work miracles. ☺

Hope you all out there are well. Catch you with a quirky post as soon as I am back.

Ciao,

Jovi!

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Microfiction #10

Climbing up the castle of words

One step at a time,

In the spire,

I find wrapped in red

A feeling

Raw and genuine

I took it to heart

And gave it me

And there and then,

It sprouted

Hope and faith.

And I lived,

A better me.

Microfiction #9

there is a crowd
panic settles in
and I stand there with a smile
plastered on my nervous face

come out, come out,
I beckon
but no words escape
my voice box

someone asks me something
I look in awe
and hide behind that façade
they call a smile

I wish I could open my mouth
and captive the crowd with
an astounding spell of charisma
but alas!
no courage emerges

baby steps, I say

I didn’t know there was
a name for me
an introvert they say
but am I glad
there are others like me

Bent not broken #1

*From the time I started blogging, I have wanted to write about this but it has remained the hardest topic to write on. I have started and found no words many a time.But it’s time and I have to write this because I am a Scoliosis warrior*

I am asymmetric. Yep! You heard me right. I have uneven shoulders, a curvy spine, a curvy posture, and the left of my rib cage protrudes out. My clothes hang weird on me. I can’t wear form fitting clothes. Most of the time the clothes I wear bother me because they are not made for asymmetric folks like me. People tell me to stand straight , I get annoyed and let me tell you folks who keep telling me to stand straight or sit straight, mind your own business. If I could, I would have.

I was diagnosed at 13 with a 35 degree thoracic curve, a “c” curve to the layman, and I met many a doctor who wanted to cut me open and screw up my spine. No one knew Why? or What? I was confused. One doctor said it was because of my posture(he could not be more wrong), another said it must have been trauma, I didn’t trust their skills enough to risk a spine surgery. To date, no one really knows the real cause of scoliosis.

What’s scoliosis you ask? Normal people have a straight spine, we , scoliosis warriors do not, ours is S shaped or C shaped. I’ll scare you with my X ray at the end of this note. Watch out.

I can’t run for long, climb for long, cycle for long or exert myself too much, my back ends in pain. With the change in the skeletal structure, there is also a change in the muscular structure of the body , hence the pain.

Do you know how jealous I get when I see someone donning a sari and showing off their perfect straight back? Yep, that’s what I get jealous of 😛

Continue reading “Bent not broken #1”

One year anniversary

Yay! It’s been one year since I started blogging. I have blogged before but did not have a steady set of audience as of now. One year back, I was pretty clueless as to what next, fast forward to today, I am on my way out of the rut, I despaired then, I hope now, I had no faith then, I believe now.

Was I a good person then? I don’t know . Am I better now? In some ways, yes.

I know my faults, the hard thing is to weed out the things that do not make me Me.

I thought I was lost, spiritually and .. But you know what, God heeds a broken heart.  I wondered if after the hundred and one times I strayed, forgot to pray, if I was worthy for his love, if he would love me and I asked him for a sign. I shouldn’t have but I believed I was truly lost.  I have a basil plant here, a small one and it was not doing good this winter. It was decaying from root up. I lost a few saplings and the others were decaying. I asked God to heal them and keep them well alive to show me that I could also live again. One month later, the leaves still bloom in the saplings that started decaying. They are alive and I am happy.

God spoke to me through different people, through the parable of the lost sheep.

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.”

I was the lost sheep and he came after me. I am no longer lost because he loves me. While I despaired before, I hope and I believe now.

Breaking the outer man and letting the inner man grow is one of the hardest things out there. It’s a battle. It’s a spiritual war. One thing that you need to know is that He will never give up on you. If you are the lost sheep, he will come after you, he will pick you up and put you over his shoulders, love you unconditionally and give you joy and happiness in leaps and bounds.

Am I a better person? In some ways, yes.

It’s been one year blogging and this is my heart on paper.  I wrote to my heart’s will, met some amazing people out here, and I think I grew out my social anxiety disorder( a little credit to blogging) . This year’s been insightful, I looked into my soul and I cannot tell you if I liked what I saw but I’ll weed out the bad and plant good in my heart. This is a promise that I’ll be a better person, I’ll be who I want to be, fearless and brave, spiritual and kind. I’ll look into myself one day and be proud of who I am.

Ciao,

Jovi!

On getting out of the rut #1

I used to think that the Israelites were ungrateful brats. And that if the Lord, did the same things for me , if he brought me out of my chains, if he parted the seas for me, if he made the Sun stand still for me, if he took down the wall of Jericho for me, if he parted heavens and showered down heavenly food when I was hungry, I would be eternally grateful. But you know what? He did those for me. He moved my mountains and brought forth new springs for me, and yet  I wasn’t grateful, not in the least.

A few weeks back, I was despairing over what next. I am stuck, and it’s been a year. I kept thinking that I made the wrong choice choosing physics and suffering through Masters. I felt like I can’t go ahead and that I won’t get into a PhD program,  I was worrying my head off and then it struck me, what a hypocrite I was being,  God moved mountains for me and there I was whining. My final semester, I had a paper called spectroscopy, still don’t understand a word of it or even quantum mechanics for that matter. Anyway, I slept through the final exam, I mugged up the whole thing over so much coffee the night before and didn’t sleep a wink. There was literally nothing on my answer sheet, the ones I knew the answers to I messed up the question numbers and I forgot half way through the answers. I knew I would fail. The month that I was waiting for my results, I would just stare at my convocation tickets and feel guilty that my parents wouldn’t be able to go. But my mom, she prayed, she had faith and you know what, even when I had no faith, He was faithful, the results came and I passed, a miracle no short. There were people who failed but I didn’t. He did the impossible for me and there I was whining, worrying, and being ungrateful. If it’s his will, it will fall right into your hands, if it’s not it will fall through and be gracious and know that He has the best in store for you. No man has seen, no man has dreamt what the Almighty has kept for you. Be gracious and hold on to hope, look back and be grateful for his love.

I stopped worrying over what next and there is a calm now. He says he cares for you, He understands you and he wants you to place your burdens at his feet so he can be there for you. Trust him with all of you and  have faith,even when you feel like there is no other  way. Remember his miracles. So when life gives you a mean kick, and if you are in a rut like I am, know that things will change for you and hold on, because all will be well.

To-do list #3 Feb

I wouldn’t say that my To-do list#2  Jan was a huge success. But it was “okay”, I learned a bit of html, my photography skills are a tad better and I have picked up snippets of knowledge in astronomy ( I am the worst star gazer ever, living in a bright lit city  with only Orion, Sirius and the winter triangle in my view).

For Feb,

  1. Pilates,cardio and schroth exercises, 45 mins every day.
  2. Mathematical Physics : because I suck at it. (Any help is valued!)
  3. A scripture verse a day
  4. Html: go beyond the basics!
  5. Photography: Finish the online course.
  6. Astronomy : Better learn the winter sky.
  7. Read : The silent spring by Rachel Carson.
  8. oooo and bake!!!

And onto you, are you putting off things you have to do today for tomorrow? Let me tell you a way to cure that most common disease called procrastination,the Zeigarnik effect. Zeignarnik, a Russian psychologist, on sitting down in a restaurant in Veinna noticed that the waiters only remembered the orders that were on the process of being served, and when finished, it was wiped off spoof from their minds.She immediately set out to investigate this, pulled up participants and gave them twenty or more tasks to do, like solving puzzles. Then, she interrupted them between the tasks and  found that they remembered the tasks that were interrupted and half finished rather than what was completed.

When you leave something unfinished, it tugs at you, and sticks on to the back of your mind.This is why, most series end in cliffhangers, to keep you hanging! We are desperate to find out what’s next whether it’s a book or a TV series.

So, if you are putting off something, just give yourself the push and make that small start, for when once you begin, you are bound to complete it or it leaves you restless by the Zeigarnik effect. Make that start.

Ciao,

Jovi!